A couple of weeks ago, Ulysses S. Grant won a pair of tickets to a “smooth jazz” concert put on by a local radio station. Although neither of us were fans of this genre, the tickets were free so we decided we might as well go. What a disastrous decision that ended up being.

We arrived at the concert a few minutes late so the band had already begun to play as we walked in. Immediately, we both noticed an overwhelming cloud of sedation overcome us. Both our bodies went numb, just like the time Ulysses convinced me to take those “mystery pills” with those hookers.

Wasn't this photographer clever! He should win the medal for outstanding photo-taking!

Feeling nothing should have felt weird, but the music even blocked that sensation from my body. I asked Ulysses if this was normal.

Lincoln- “Is this normal?” (I said this to Ulysses, just like I had stated before. I would never lie to you.)

Ulysses responded by saying he was unsure if this numbness was normal but that he did not enjoy the feeling one bit. He assured me he had a plan though.

Ulysses- “I assure you, Lincoln, I have a plan.”

And so he did.

Ulysses went up to the ugliest, most desperate woman he could find and offered his body to her. She accepted.

Unattractive woman- “I accept.”

And so they made sex. Leaving the girl, naked on a beach towel spread upon the lawn in the middle of the audience, Ulysses came back over to me an explained his reasoning for what seemed like the gesture of a mad man. He figured that by having intercourse with the ugly woman, one of two things could happen. Either he would enjoy it or he would be disgusted by it. But either way, he would feel something again.

Then he explained the plan did not work.

Ulysses- “The plan did not work, I explain to you.”

And so we left the concert, sedated and scared we would never feel again.

But Ulysses did not have to be scared for long, as two weeks later he discovered that the woman had given him herpes and that he would be able to feel at least twice every month for the rest of his life. So it all worked out for him. I informed him of this.

Lincoln- “Ulysses, this is an inform. It all worked out for you.”

As for me, the love of a crazy wife and a growing child was enough to bring warmth to my heart once again. That and all those hookers* Benjamin Franklin sent me via pony express (mailboxes weren’t invented until 1978!).

For causing people to feel nothing…

Smooth jazz is so uncool.

*Anytime hookers are mentioned twice on the same page, an angel has sex in Heaven. I read that in a book or maybe a blog. Perhaps this one!