Recently Mary Todd was reading one of those women magazines, Women Magazine for Women, and came across a challenge that forces you to make new friends. Although I assured my wife that we have plenty of friends, Mary Todd persisted and decided to do the challenge. After this decision of hers, she proceeded to roll around on the ground hissing for a good thirty minutes in an unrelated matter, but this is besides the point.

The challenge that this women’s magazine had proposed was to go to your local supermarket and invite one random person over for dinner that night. It was advised to look respectable while doing so as not to be confused for a rapist/poor “person.”

In the end, in a surprise that was completely accidental, Mary Todd brought home Cuba Gooding Jr. from the supermarket.

Why not?

For awhile the dinner proceeded smoothly. Although Cuba seemed to be dropping the fact that he once one an Oscar into every topic of conversation, at least we were talking. However this did get especially awkward when we were talking about how terrible and bloody the Battle of Gettysburg was.

Myself- “When the sun sets on a day such as that, with so many thousands of men lying dead, quiet on the ground, all for the sake of fighting for a cause they cared so deeply about as to give their lives, it really makes a human think of his place in the world and how trivial our personal accomplishments  are in the great scheme of things. Life is all there is, awards are just useless ornaments to pass the time.

Cuba- “Did I ever mention I beat out Edward Norton to win an Oscar?” (this was the fourth time that night).

After awhile, Tad finally felt comfortable enough to ask Cuba a question.*

Tad- “Weren’t you in Snow Dogs?”

Cuba sat in his chair for a few seconds, absolutely still, but with his eyes starting to bulge at an alarmingly increasing rate and with blood very clearly rushing to his face. A look of blissful ignorance was on Tad’s face, a certain calm before the storm, not knowing what was about to erupt from across the table.

Cuba eventually whispered from his shaking face, “I was not in that movie.”

Although Tad was a fan of the movie, Cuba had suffered too much trauma throughout the last few years for movies such as Snow Dogs for him to realize a fan from a heckler anymore.

Unfortunately for all of us, Tad persisted.

Tad- “Oh, well weren’t you in Daddy Day Care then?”

This was too much for Cuba.

Cuba Gooding Jr. bolted up so quickly that his chair flew from behind him. With tears running down his face he whispered, “I won an Oscar.” Then more audibly, “I won a mother fucking Oscar.”

Then Cuba jumped through our window and ran down the street, eventually out of our sight forever.

Although in all sincerity, I do feel bad for him from the bottom of my humble heart, I still must be honest Abe and say…

Cuba Gooding Jr. is so uncool.

*Ever since Andrew Jackson brought Tad to a brothel a few weeks ago, Tad has been scared of grownups.

no additional story is needed.

Although I do like how Gwyneth Paltrow has her classic, “Isn’t it cute how you’re so beneath me” look on her face even though the poor boy is on stilts.

Rude people are so uncool.

Recently Mary Todd won a contest hosted by CBS where the prize was that the winner and one friend could spend the day with Charlie Sheen at his mansion. Although this did not seem like much of a prize and more of a burden than anything else to me, I agreed to go besides my doubts as a long time ago I did make a promise to follow Mary Todd through sickness and in health. I was and still am pretty sure that Charlie Sheen’s mansion is the earthly equivalent of sickness.

We arrived at his house at nine in the morning, just as were instructed to. The doorbell ended up being very sticky but at least it worked. Charlie Sheen eventually answered the door with a glass of Vodka in one hand and a bowling ball in the other.* He was shaking a bit.

There was a dead prostitute lying on the couch directly behind him.

A face that says, "Don't mind the dead prostitute right behind me."

Despite the elephant in the room and the dead prostitute, the “hang-out” session continued more or less as planned. Charlie offered us each a drink which I refused as I had not even had breakfast yet, but unsurprisingly Mary Todd accepted. Also unexpectedly, Mary Todd’s drink came with semen floating at the top.

After finishing their drinks (Mary Todd didn’t seem to care about the extra ingredient), Charlie gave us a tour of the house.

Despite the overall tackiness of the furniture and decorations, the house actually seemed pretty normal. Well, at least that thought was going through my mind before we reached the harem.

After about twenty minutes of touring (his house is huge) we reached the end of a hallway where a gigantic golden door blocked our further movement and a pile of cocaine rested in front of. Charlie explained to us that only the most worthy are allowed in his personal harem, and that the “most worthy” are determined by if they can snort the entire pile of cocaine. Under the pile, he informed us, was a key to the great golden door.

I asked what would happen if I just reached down into the pile and got the key. He informed me he would shoot me down right here and now. I informed him I understood.

He then told us to make things easier, and since we did win a contest, that we wouldn’t have to snort it alone and that he would be a most generous host and offer to snort it with us. Neither I nor Mary Todd was going to deny this man anything at this point for fear of our lives and innocence.

Charlie Sheen snorted the entire pile, which came up to at least my knees, in one try. He then took the key and opened his harem.

The harem consisted of basically three things; girls in chains, girls in cages, and girls who were there willingly. After a few seconds I noticed a tear drop rolling down Charlie’s face.

Charlie-”This place still makes me so happy after all these years. It’s just so beautiful.”

Then after a few more seconds.

Charlie-”Alright let’s go bone some bitches.”

I politely refused which I could tell really hurt Charlie’s feelings.

Charlie-”Well alright. I’ve got to start filming another episode of Two and a Half Men pretty soon anyways, so this would probably be a good time for you two to get the, I mean leave now.”

Mary Todd protested, stating that the contest claimed we got to spend a whole day in his mansion.

After a short pause and a deep inhale.

Charlie-”Get out of my house! I am going to shoot you like I shot that prostitute down stairs! Go! Go! Go!”

So Mary Todd and me ran for our lives and never watched an episode of Two and a Half Men Again.

Of course those two aren't allowed in the harem! Alright, maybe the little kid is on special occasions.

Charlie Sheen is so uncool.

*The shirts finally made sense!