LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL

ABOUT ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Former Illinois Senator, Abraham Lincoln, was born and raised on the great planet of XQ34 and was later tearfully sent via space shuttle at the age of thirteen to the state of Illinois as his home planet self-destructed.

Within Illinois, Abraham Lincoln went from being only a prepubescent boy with small arms and big dreams to a large man with many accomplishments under his top hat. Although always humble, Lincoln has reluctantly claimed achievements such as; learning to ride a bicycle while being doused with a hose spraying maple syrup, conquering Iceland and then giving it back free of charge, and, legendarily, sleeping with the Statue of Liberty.

Throughout his fruitful life, Abraham picked up a certain knowledge within an area of high value. Knowing what SAYS UNCOOL.

Hipster Lincoln inline skates to be ironic

Abraham has generously provided this database of knowledge so that we, humble citizens, may too understand the subtle intricacies of his mind and finally come to realize, what is NOT COOL.

ABOUT THE KNOWLEDGEMENT & MIND EXPANSIVENESS COMPANY (EMPLOYER OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN)

This picture is not of our historic founding. If that was shown, your toes would totally explode.

The Company was founded back in 1776 a few days before the Declaration of Independence was signed. In all honesty, we are still a little mad about those hooligans stealing our thunder and starting the “land of the free” or whatever.

Obviously, those who work for the Company in its modern form are not the same members from long ago, but we do believe they are still with us in some way guiding us in the right direction (for clarification on how they are still with us: their corpses are all stuffed and standing in various heroic and sometimes erotic poses within our boardroom.)

Our forefathers founded the Company for you, and we preserve it for you as well. Basically, it is all about you. Now we could go on and on about how this is a company started by the people and for the people, but we’re not going to lie to you. We are not people. People did not start this company. We are above the people. The staff of the Company has and always will be members of an elite group of the human race that are clearly more cunning, clever, and classy (the three C’s) than just common “people.”

Common "people"

But we are here to help! I can not stress that enough (due to my lack of writing abilities). Even though we may be far more elite than you and your kin, we wish to help you achieve something still far short of greatness but yet far greater than your peers. That’s really all you can strive for at this point. Being far greater than your peers is a dream you’ll just have to settle on.

So here is our gift to you, the people. We shall dispense our knowledgement across the lands from sea to other body of water. And in the end, maybe your mind may just expansiveness.