LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL

Recently Mary Todd won a contest hosted by CBS where the prize was that the winner and one friend could spend the day with Charlie Sheen at his mansion. Although this did not seem like much of a prize and more of a burden than anything else to me, I agreed to go besides my doubts as a long time ago I did make a promise to follow Mary Todd through sickness and in health. I was and still am pretty sure that Charlie Sheen’s mansion is the earthly equivalent of sickness.

We arrived at his house at nine in the morning, just as were instructed to. The doorbell ended up being very sticky but at least it worked. Charlie Sheen eventually answered the door with a glass of Vodka in one hand and a bowling ball in the other.* He was shaking a bit.

There was a dead prostitute lying on the couch directly behind him.

A face that says, "Don't mind the dead prostitute right behind me."

Despite the elephant in the room and the dead prostitute, the “hang-out” session continued more or less as planned. Charlie offered us each a drink which I refused as I had not even had breakfast yet, but unsurprisingly Mary Todd accepted. Also unexpectedly, Mary Todd’s drink came with semen floating at the top.

After finishing their drinks (Mary Todd didn’t seem to care about the extra ingredient), Charlie gave us a tour of the house.

Despite the overall tackiness of the furniture and decorations, the house actually seemed pretty normal. Well, at least that thought was going through my mind before we reached the harem.

After about twenty minutes of touring (his house is huge) we reached the end of a hallway where a gigantic golden door blocked our further movement and a pile of cocaine rested in front of. Charlie explained to us that only the most worthy are allowed in his personal harem, and that the “most worthy” are determined by if they can snort the entire pile of cocaine. Under the pile, he informed us, was a key to the great golden door.

I asked what would happen if I just reached down into the pile and got the key. He informed me he would shoot me down right here and now. I informed him I understood.

He then told us to make things easier, and since we did win a contest, that we wouldn’t have to snort it alone and that he would be a most generous host and offer to snort it with us. Neither I nor Mary Todd was going to deny this man anything at this point for fear of our lives and innocence.

Charlie Sheen snorted the entire pile, which came up to at least my knees, in one try. He then took the key and opened his harem.

The harem consisted of basically three things; girls in chains, girls in cages, and girls who were there willingly. After a few seconds I noticed a tear drop rolling down Charlie’s face.

Charlie-”This place still makes me so happy after all these years. It’s just so beautiful.”

Then after a few more seconds.

Charlie-”Alright let’s go bone some bitches.”

I politely refused which I could tell really hurt Charlie’s feelings.

Charlie-”Well alright. I’ve got to start filming another episode of Two and a Half Men pretty soon anyways, so this would probably be a good time for you two to get the, I mean leave now.”

Mary Todd protested, stating that the contest claimed we got to spend a whole day in his mansion.

After a short pause and a deep inhale.

Charlie-”Get out of my house! I am going to shoot you like I shot that prostitute down stairs! Go! Go! Go!”

So Mary Todd and me ran for our lives and never watched an episode of Two and a Half Men Again.

Of course those two aren't allowed in the harem! Alright, maybe the little kid is on special occasions.

Charlie Sheen is so uncool.

*The shirts finally made sense!