LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL

Quite recently, Mary Todd insisted that we go to a Harley Davidson sponsored festival that was happening in the area. In her mind, she believed that seeing all the brand new motorcycles would make us kids again.* Although all evidence pointed that this would be a terrible idea, I reluctantly agreed to go anyway as I do love my wife.

We arrived at the festival and immediately our ears were pounded with music being played by the local hard-rock station, DC 101, who was DJing the event. The first song we heard was by Nine Inch Nails, because of course it would be. The event was already starting out on a good note.

Not a good note.

After only a few minutes of walking around, both Mary Todd and my humble self smelled strongly of smoke, both caused by the overabundance of grills they had operating around almost every turn as well as the fact that everybody seemed to have a lit cigarette either in their hand or their mouth. If my memory serves me correct, my beard did not stop smelling like smoke for the next two weeks.

Amidst all the denim jacket wearing, American eagle tattooed, mustachioed and pony-tail dawning festival-goers, Mary Todd and myself both stuck out pretty badly. Even my choice of foot tall top hat (which normally is all the rage) seemed to bring attention to us as most festival-goers were wearing bandannas. Although there have been many a time in my day where I have felt like I do not fit in (such as in the bedroom if you know what I mean)** this day was certainly proving to be quite awkward.

When I was nearing my last long leg of energy, some of the sponsors approached me, asking if I was really Abraham Lincoln, the former Senator from Illinois. I told them I was. Then they informed me that their original main event speaker, Hulk Hogan, had just dropped out at the last minute, and that they would love for me to take his place. Never one to turn down an offer (due to my aforementioned horrible OCD) I accepted their offer.

As they escorted me to the main stage I realized I had no speech prepared and nothing to tell these people in which I could not relate to in the least bit. But then, with relief, I recalled that long ago I had memorized my famous Emancipation Proclamation speech by heart.

Perhaps, looking back, this was not the most optimal speech to give to a crowd where literally half the people were wearing Confederate flag embroidered jackets (ironically these were the same people who had the American eagle tattoos). By the end of the speech, the crowd of listeners had thinned out considerably and I was met with little applause. Perhaps even though the American Civil had ended over one hundred forty years prior to this speech, it was still too soon.

For having followers who do not appreciate the Emancipation Proclamation…

Harley Davidson is so uncool.

*As I have mentioned countless times before, Mary Todd is crazy. Let me stress that she did not just believe seeing the motorcycles would make us feel young again, but actually fully thought that we would become children. Why her mind works like this is still quite mysterious to me.

**You know what I mean.