LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL

Attending an episode of Mind of Mencia has to be one of the oddest experiences I have ever encoutnered.

We arrived at our seats in the front row (I do not trust the back row anymore)* about a half an hour before the show started, as Mary Todd heard there would be pre-show banter that she did not want to miss. This ended up being partially true as Carlos Mencia did get up on stage to talk to the crowd, but I would hardly call what he did banter. Instead of some actual jokes to get the night started on the right foot, he went down the line of members of the front row and insulted each and every one of us.

On second thought, perhaps the word “insulted” would be too much of a compliment and an inaccuracy for what he actually did.

The first member of the line was an Asian man. Carlos Mencia, being the witty and clever person that he is, decided to craft his “insult” around the fact that the Asian man probably had a weird name.

Carlos-”So what’s your name, Zing Zong Zoop, right?”

Asian Man-”It’s David.”

Carlos-”Well I bet your birth name you got from your slanted eye mother is something more along the lines of what I said, right?”

Asian Man-”No. My birth name is David and both my mother and myself were born in America. However, my dad is Asian, so it looks like you got me.”

Carlos (to the crowd)-”Get a load of this guy! Dee Dee Dee!”

Nobody laughed.

The next three people were also Asian and almost identical conversations ensued between Carlos and those three, with Mencia relying on the same “jokes” that their names should be funny and that their mothers have slanted eyes all three times.

My humble self was next in line.

Carlos-”Look! You have a hole in your head! Does that mean you’re DEE DEE DEE!”

Myself-”Alright, thank you.”

Carlos-”You must be a little bit dee dee dee to wear that ridiculous suit.”

Myself-”What’s wrong with my suit?”

Carlos (to the crowd)-”It’s DEE DEE DEE!”

Fair enough. We did pay to come see the show so I suppose we are at least partly at fault for creating this monster. And besides, how can you be too upset over “insults” that rely heavily on stereotypes and seldom make sense. Well I found my answer when Carlos moved on to Mary Todd.

Carlos-”You look very lovely tonight.”

Mary Todd (bashfully)-”Why thank you.”

Carlos (whispering)-”I want to just take you out back to my Corvette and hump you until the end of time.”

Myself-”What was that?”

Mary Todd (even more bashfully)-”You’re too kind, young gentleman.”

Carlos-”You know what though, I’ve got something to tell you. I don’t actually want to hump you, BECAUSE YOU’RE DEE DEE DEE!”

Carlos than ran down the rest of the line of front row viewers with his arm outstretched in order to get high-fives but no one extended out their hands.

Carlos-”Ah, whatever. We’ll just photoshop you’re excitement in later.”

Mary Todd was in tears.

Carlos-”Yo, security. Take that woman and her headless husband out of here, I can’t have her bawling all over the place while I do my set.”

Security guard-”Well you did just cause that and they did pay good money for those seats.”

Carlos-”Ah whatever, holmes. She’s just a dee dee dee. I’ll do it myself.”

And so, with Mary Todd Lincoln crying hysterically, Carlos Mencia escorted us out of his show. Perhaps, this was the kindest thing he has ever done.

Carlos Mencia is so uncool.

*You may think this is because I was assasinated in the back of the head the last time I sat in the backrow. This is actually not the case as I put that incident behind me a long time ago.